Today

I am a new single mum. Some days I feel fierce and ready to take on the world. Proud of raising my tiny human alone, not phased by my status of lone parent. Today isn’t one of those days.

Today I am tired. What I wouldn’t give for a couple of hours sleep. Or for 10 minutes alone for a shower. Or to pee alone or prepare a meal and eat it while it’s still warm.

Today I feel frazzled as I cook for one with a screaming baby in my arm- feeling useless as I’m not quite sure what this particular cry means. I haven’t brushed my hair today- nor looked in a mirror for that matter. I am covered in baby sick and have been peed on not once but twice today. I have cried and felt guilty immediately after because I should be basking in every glorious moment of parenthood.

But today I am angry. Angry at the man who walked away from us. Angry that he continues his life ignoring our existence despite promising the world mere months ago. I am angry that I fell for his lies and at those people who so unhelpfully share their opinion of our previous relationship and making jokes at my expense. Of course, I laugh too- what else is there for it? I don’t get to be angry or upset about the time wasted with this man because now I have the greatest thing in my life. Should I be grateful to this man? I am grateful for my son and I wouldn’t change him for the world, but I resent that he doesn’t have a man to call his dad and I’m angry that I don’t get to be angry at that.

Some days I don’t spare him a thought- I’m hoping for more days like this as time goes on. I know there will be a day when I have to explain why our little family looks a bit different to that of his school friends and that is a tough thought, but we’ll cross that bridge when we come to it. We as our little two-piece family. I wonder how anybody could turn their back on this little spud- even when he’s screaming he’s amazing. Despite my dishevelled state today (and many other days) I really wouldn’t change a thing. Having him has propelled me headfirst into being a much better woman. I’m working to make the best little existence possible for him. I can’t imagine going back to my pre-mama days, nor would I want to.

So today I am tired. Tired and pissed off. But today I am mama- so as cliché as it sounds, it’s all worth it.